Along with the stomach problems I’ve been having I’m realizing I have very little control over food. When I get upset I eat, when I’m social I eat. No amount of self control can stop me, or so it feels. It’s a very real feeling. I’m almost back up to my highest weight and I’m very frustrated. I’m partially upset at my doctors for not catching my thyroid problem sooner and I’m mostly upset at myself for not having the motivation/self-control to stop myself. I’ve been prolonging this post because it’s hard to admit that I feel I can’t control it. I listen to inspiring music, I track my calories, I read inspiring things, I even google pictures of skinny women- mostly as a way to shame myself. I’m starting to feel like I don’t deserve to be “attractive” that I’m always going to be like this. I’m trying cutting my portions in half. To see if that helps.
Yesterday I saw my weight and went on a binge eating fest because I felt bad
and I wanted to punish myself for being fat. I know I’ve gotten suggestions from everyone on what to do. I know that but between upping my medications and my lack of control I’m just in a downward spiral. I wish I had the self-control to have an eating disorder. That’s how depressed I am about this. I want to cry, scream.
My therapist wants me to find something I enjoy doing so I stop constantly focusing on all the things going wrong. I’ve tried making a list but it’s so short. I like singing and writing and theater. I can’t afford music lessons let alone have a ride to them. Not that you need lessons to sing to yourself :). I don’t have the time to devote to theater and I’m afraid I’ll always by type-cast as the fat character. I don’t want that. I’m not ready for it.
In other news. I’ve scheduled a visit to Siena heights university to see how I like it and possibly attend. Brian said he’s willing to do whatever it takes to get my confidence back even if it means moving a (tiny) hour away. Just to be involved in music and dance and theater and writing might give me some structure and stability and the possibility of meeting new people and maybe making friends. I’m not saying I’m definitely going to do it. I might hate it there. Who knows but the prospect is exciting.
Ps. Sorry about the little triangle thingy but I’m on my iPad and can’t get rid of it. *sigh* back to watching frozen for the ninth time. >
I keep bouncing around in my head what is the best course of action for me. I like the way keto makes me feel but it’s very difficult for me to follow and I still have to count calories. My stomach has been my worst enemy lately. I’m still having potty problems and terrible pain that prevents me from walking on some occasions. It’s hard to eat on those days, and especially eat well. I try to eat what feels good to me at the time and a lot of times that doesn’t include keto foods. For instance, this morning I ate fruit loops. Not my best choice but it was easy and I didn’t think it would hurt my stomach. I’m not going to lose weight eating junk food but I get lost in the pain and symptoms. I hate making excuses. It makes me seem weak. The healthcare professionals in my life keep giving me outs and telling me not to worry about my weight right now. When is a good time to worry about it? I understand that they’re concerned but my weight should be a concern too.
I called back my nutritionist again today and I’m hoping to get back into that. That maybe if I had someone rooting me on, someone who’s sole focus was my weight I’d do better. I will admit I don’t stay calm when dieting. I get out of control and get panicked and there’s a lot of anxiety and tears and frustration and I’m hoping a nutritionist and therapist combo will keep me sane and healthy. I want to approach this in a healthy way mentally and physically. Right now, while my stomach is on the fritz, I’m just counting calories. Brian came up with the idea that we’ll start at 2,000 calories and back down slowly so I don’t get stressed and it’ll keep me calm and less worried about how much I’m eating. I’m still counting calories and doing my best. I’m not seeing any movement on the scale so professional help is probably needed. It doesn’t help that I can’t eat any roughage- no fruit, vegetables, or lettuce or seeds. I get terribly sick and in pain if I eat any of those foods. Hopefully the pain will subside enough to get back on the elliptical today. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m making excuses for myself. I have a plan in my head, it’s just putting it into action.
I recently decided I was going to do the ketogenic probably mentioned in my last blog. I thought things would be easy breezy but it turns out obsessing over my macros is causing more stress than it’s probably worth. Which leads me to think what is more important staying away from grains and sugars? having a calorie deficit or eating in such a way that my body reaches ketosis? Do I need ketosis to lose weight? Is it a “quick fix”? I know I feel much better staying away from grains and sugar. I don’t snack, I stay fuller longer, and all around feel healthier on a diet that’s higher in fat. Can I be on a diet that’s high in fat enough to keep me satiated but still eat at a calorie deficit or if I’m going to eat a certain amount of fat do I have to limit protein and carbs? I know I want to limit carbohydrates on the simple fact that it makes me feel good. I’m not looking for a fad diet. I’m looking at what works best for me. I guess the ultimate question is; if I’m going to eat a diet relatively high in fat do I HAVE to reach ketosis? if I don’t go into ketosis will things like my cholesterol and triglycerides go up? I don’t see how something that can curb my appetite and keep me fuller longer be bad. I know we’ve been taught low fat, low fat, low fat, for so long but coconut oil and avocados and whole milk all have such great nutrients. Nutrients I’d rather get from the food source than take another pill.
TRYING to get to ketosis has stopped my weight gain that was happening rather quickly but that could be that the fat I am eating is preventing me from snacking. I even lost a pound after my weight ballooned after finding out that my thyroid had shit out on me. I will be curious to find out what my blood work says. My cholesterol will be high based on the fact that I’m on an atypical antipsychotic that raises it. I’m hoping simple weight loss will fix the sugar issues and the cholesterol issues. I honestly don’t think low-fat is the way to go… but I’ve said that like three times now. I guess time will tell. I think I’m going to stay the course and eat moderate fat; enough to keep me satisfied but not enough to send me into ketosis and see what happens. Weight loss is what is important here… and maybe changing medicines. Anyways, this was just a quick entry to try and organize my thoughts because I’ve been so panicky about my macros and calories that I just needed to lay it out and see how I feel. Oh, and I exercised on the eliptical for FIVE whole minutes today. Hopefully I’ll do another five and work up to seven then nine then 10 then 20 then 30 and get a good 30 minutes of cardio in a day. I’d be really rockin’ then 😉
It is important for one’s health to have a balanced diet representing all the necessary food groups. Vegetables, fruits, meats, dairy- all very important. Too bad I’m not eating any of them. I recently took a trip to the hospital due to merciless vomiting and unbareable stomach pain. When I got to the hospital they got me in right away and hooked me up to an EKG because my pulse was 139- which I think is a testament to how much pain I was in. My white blood count was quite high indicating an infection. I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and had to drink one thing of laxative that wasn’t bad and tasted like sprite… then 4 liters of laxative that I wasn’t able to actually keep in my stomach. besides not being able to eat and only drinking laxative I got all the pain meds I could handle and all the anti-nausea in the world to keep the vomit down. Hurrah!
So- healthy diet; right. My healthy diet is bread, noodles, pudding, jello…annnd that’s it. A carb fest and lots of rest. I’m still having a lot problems and some pain but I’m not doing much of anything at all. I spend most of my time watching movies or the food network and I eat lots of noodles and have an abundance of pudding thanks to Brian. Even the slightest wisp of a vegetable or fruit and it’s like my body breaks. I have some preventative meds but even those fail if I eat the wrong foods. And without going into embarrassing detail.. just because I feel fine say, one day, or hour and decide I can eat what I want… I’d be wrong and sicker than ever. I’ll calling the GI doctor on Monday to tell him all my woes and he’ll hopefully come up with a plan. I have a feeling it’ll be introducing certain foods a little at a time. Maybe an allergy? I won’t speculate. It could be anything. I heard IBS mentioned but it doesn’t usually last for months on end and it’s definitely not my gallbladder or anything in my colon. So.. that’s the mystery. Hopefully there’ll be answers soon.
Happy Sunday lovelies
I couldn’t think of a good title so I just wrote down the things I wanted to cover. I had heard of the ketogenic diet a while ago when I was first diagnosed with epilepsy as a natural way of curing the seizures. It had a respectable success rate (even though it was mostly for children). In my struggle for weight loss I revisited keto in the social networking site Reddit.. if you’d call it social networking.. it’s more a hodgepodge of stuff people find on the internet divided into subreddits that you can subscribe to based on your interests. My primary interest was weight loss because I heard people are finding great success on this diet. More interestingly I found a lot of people claimed that this diet “cured” their anxiety. My anxiety has been so bad lately that it’s hard to get a full nights sleep but the medications I’m on have me sleeping a lot throughout the day.. I guess it all balances out sleep-wise. The Ketogenic diet is described as a high-fat, medium protein, and super low carb (as in less than 50 g a day, low) I was super excited to try this diet and dove in head first. My calorie goal was 1427 and I wanted my diet to be broken down to 70-75% fat, 20-25% protein, and 5-7% carbohydrates. I don’t want to go into all the science stuff about why fat doesn’t make you fat but that sugars (even from grains) can contribute to diabetes and weight gain. My first day was great(almost) I had eggs with cheese and bacon, for a snack I had a sugar free pudding, and dinner was pulled chicken with an avocado and a half (see- I’m not filling myself with fats from corn or soy). My night time snacking was non-existent, I felt full and satisfied. Then I crashed.. so hard. I couldn’t stand or walk, I was vomiting, I was dripping sweat in a house that I had turned down to 66 degrees, I was dizzy and starting to see black. I don’t know why but I text my friend first who said it was my blood sugar and to try to eat an apple or something. I managed to get an apple with a couple of tablespoons of table sugar and cinnamon down. I started to feel much better (even if the throwing up continued). It had not occurred to me that being on a medication called Metformin to control my blood sugar would not be compatible with this diet.
I’m on Metformin to control my blood sugar that was just 1 point out of range and a little on the high side. Most likely due to a combination of poor diet and my other medication called Latuda. Latuda is notorious for fucking with blood sugar and cholesterol, even in perfectly healthy people. It is not a good drug. I was on 500 mg of Metformin twice a day, then my psychiatrist decided to double my dose of Latuda to try and keep the paranoia at bay. Worrying that the increase of Latuda would stimulate my appetite(IT HAS) she asked me to ask my doctor to double my dose of Metformin(which can sometimes curb appetite), which he happily obliged to. I feel like I can’t get through the day without having a crash. I want to be on a low carb diet because those have been most effective for me in the past. As consolation I tried looking up a “Diabetic diet” only to discover there is no “real” diabetic diet and that I do need a healthy dose of carbs to make it through the day. What’s the point of being on Metformin if I need MORE sugar to make sure the medicine works. Even though my sugar was high before going on the drug I could have brought it down with diet alone. It might have taken longer and there might have been some risk but would it have been any worse than this hell? When I called the drs office and asked if I could be on a low-glycemic index diet she said no because the Metformin won’t have sugar to control. What? I’m sitting at the computer because I wanted to make a grocery list. I have no idea what to put on it. Grains or no grains? Vegetables of course (which I buy frozen so they last longer), lean meats or meats high in good fats? Can I still use coconut oil or does that have sugar alcohol in it? I think it’s certain that a diet high in fiber is best for me at the moment I just don’t know how to go about it.
I was seeing a nutritionist but her seeing me get all quirky about dieting and obsessive and constantly very upset with the lack of weight loss due to starving a binging thought that dealing with weight wasn’t the best thing for me right now and suggested I worry about mental health. Which brings me to mental health! I’m on 2 mg of a sedative three times a day, morning, noon, and at night. Plus an emergency pill. I can’t get comfortable I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. My house doesn’t feel like my own and I spend most of my time in my room. I want to run away to somewhere but I have no where to go. I’m constantly looking for ways to just “calm down”. There is no good way to describe what I’m feeling, at all…. and I’m normally pretty good with words. It almost feels like there’s something constantly chasing you; that adrenaline rush. I get weird with certain textures, including the texture of my own skin. Some things cause unreasonable rage and there’s no way for me to control it(or so it feels like). I kind of ran out of ideas and have resorted to… video games, my old stand by that was suggested to me by a therapist when I lived in Marquette. I am constantly having tummy troubles of all varieties, I constantly feel like there’s a lump in my throat and I can’t breathe. The dr has put me on as much as she can and I’m going to therapy but something just isn’t jiving. With the increase of meds I’m supposed to go back to the psychiatrist on Monday to see how I’m doing and I don’t really know how to tell her that the bevy of sedatives is not calming me down or giving me less anxiety… it only occasionally makes me sleep. I have found that sleeping feels a million times better than being uncomfortable or in pain all the time. God bless Brian for trying to find a reason for the anxiety… there is no reason.. I just “feel” it. I’m trying to self-soothe with food and I know that’s wrong but anything that gives me the smallest amount of pleasure is highly valued. I just want this to stop. All of it- the weight gain, the anxiety, the paranoia, the eating, the sleeping, the holding up in my house because I’m too nervous to leave. As always, thanks for reading. Sorry about the whining. You’re a trooper.
sorry about typos
I’d like to be writing on a computer but the laptop I have doesn’t hold a change and Brian has decided to rewire the house leaving my Mac with no source of juice. iPad to the barely tolerable rescue! Just sometimes you have just some wordy words that have to get out, so I find a way. Somewhere between your heart and your throat there’s a feeling. It only comes around when you get bad news or someone had disappointed you or you’ve just had your dreams crushed into itty bitty dream guts. It feels like putty because it fills my entire throat and chest and gets into every possible nook… And it’s sticky and hard to peel off words come out slower, breathing gets deep, and sometimes just a couple tears will well up. When this happens I feel so selfish because my mind goes blank and all I can think about is how crappy I feel and how I just want to spit out the junk that’s clogging up the passage from my heart to my mouth.
I’m almost back up to my highest weight. I can tell you that up to this point, this has been a complete failure. I know I know how to eat right but I still eat junk. I’m not sure if this means I need to use willpower and make myself a separate meal when I make a “regular” dinner for everyone else? To be honest, I don’t feel much like cooking at all. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I totally blame my throat putty. With the throat putty comes a while host of negative thinking “I’m being a burden” “you’re so selfish” “you know you’re going to be fat forever, right?” C’mon brain, why do you tell me those things? Why can’t you be nice to me? I provide you with entertainment and put a nice skull around you. I need support but don’t know where to get it. Going to a support group fills me with more anxiety that I’d even have a hard time talking and making progress. Internet support is full of judgmental people. Where do people find the drive and willpower to keep going? To turn a passion into a habit?
I love having a blog because I can talk about myself and not give a care if someone thinks I’m being to me-centric. Because it is about ME! I wish I wrote more in it but I get kind of weird about it for the same reason I love it… It’s about me… And to be honest my day to day is just not that interesting. I mean, if you really want to know- I went to therapy and got Tim Horton’s on the way home.. Oh and there’s been an all around rise in the price of beef. It’s 12:30 and that’s been my day so far. By the way, don’t be expecting many analogies.. I hate them. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t think of a good example for that all consuming chunk of emotion that stops midway from your chest to trachea.
Writing has made that big thing in my throat dissipate a little, which is nice. I’d like to write everyday if I could because it usually seems to make me feel better… That’s a lot for no one to read though. I will admit this has not been the best written entry and has kind if been a bit if a ramble but if you made it this far my sincerest thank you for reading a poorly written, not so insipiring, kind of whiny blog post. It helped me to write it and I guess that’s what matters.
Sadness is normal. It’s a normal part of the range of human emotion. Now that that’s out of the way no one needs to tell me how what I’m feeling is normal. Calmness is part of sadness, for me. The two almost feel the same. My limbs are heavy and warm and feels like there’s a soft air around them. My heart feels like it’s melting into my ribs. Tears don’t fall but just trickle, no heavy crying or sobbing. Just head cocked and a slow steady stream of water. It’s different for everyone I guess. For some people panic feels like sadness and vice versa. I’ve been very apathetic lately- no one needs to tell me that’s normal because it is for some people and it isn’t for some. The worst thing someone can tell me when I’m down or sad or angry or indifferent is that it’s “normal” because you have no idea what’s normal for me. I really have nothing else good to say. This has been a very long drawn out way to say “I’m sad” or “I have the feeling of sadness and I know it will pass but for now it’s pretty damn consuming.” I’m frustrated because even though just a few short days ago I was saying how eating healthy is better than counting calories and I have this great new outlook and things are great and rainbows and the farts of leprechauns. The truth is food has become the enemy. No matter what the food is, healthy or not it’s still poison to me. I know why I feel this way I just have no idea how to deal with it. I DO NOT have a healthy relationship with any type of food. Yes, I should probably talk about it with a professional- I’ll add it to the laundry list of other things I’m currently working on that take precedence. I’m having a very difficult time feeling anything but irritability, anger, fear, apathy and hurt and here I am trying to worry about what I put in my body. It’s very important that I lose weight but it’s hard to focus when I have all these thoughts circling in my mind. I like to blog about happy things and strides that I’m making because that’s what my family wants to read and I don’t want a bunch of concerned emails, phone calls, or texts. Life is NOT making great strides.. it’s falling down and trying not to sustain any injuries on the way down and occasionally getting a hand up enough to get a couple inches forward. I’ve been choosing, in this forum, to look on the positive side but the truth is I’m struggling very hard, not just with food but with relationships and family and life and I know that everyone else is too so I don’t need to hear that either. This is my outlet, I should journal it but I have a hard time in seeing the point of writing if no one is going to read it and judge your writing style and sentence structure. That, and I despise journaling. The only thing I write about when I journal are people that I don’t like and the things I’d like to see happen to them… you know.. things you should never say publicly because you may need an alibi one day. The downside to blogging instead of journaling is I can’t be completely honest without someone’s opinion creeping up. It’s fine to have opinions, just don’t use those opinions to minimize the feelings that I do have. I’m going to go eat Arby’s now, watch TV, cry a little bit, go to sleep, get up and try to make it through another day without sustaining any injuries on the way down and maybe getting that hand up.